The Joy of Maui

Loss & Life

When my mom found out that her cancer was back, for like the 3rd or 4th time, I honestly can’t remember, I had just given birth to Angus and she said, “whelp one in and one out I guess”, which is actually pretty poetic and I find it somewhat comforting but ultimately devastating, obviously. I like the idea of a balance that keeps everything fair if you will, even if it sucks. But it just seems like a bizarre trade, we were gifted Angus at the sacrifice of my mom. Like one of those psychology mind things, “if you could save your son but kill your mom, would you do it?” Like what the fuck? To be fair, I absolutely would sacrifice myself for my children’s future happiness and new life, no question, and I find comfort in that, assuming that maybe my mom found some comfort in that as well. 

I have had a lot of loss in the past 5 years and one could argue that an equal amount of new life has blossomed but for some reason I have been extraordinarily fixated on the loss. Which I think actually makes sense, the grass is always greener when you no longer have the old thing. The new things are fine but we wouldn’t have nostalgia if we didn’t fixate on what no longer is. I think a lot of this comes with age, not just with loss but with growing up, which I have to really express that I do not all the way recommend. 

There isn't really anything to prepare you for your 30’s+. I mean there is that awful movie This is Forty, which is horrendously depressing but that’s because it’s sickeningly honest, it might as well be a documentary not a satire. Life is always hard but at least in your 20’s you haven’t really been around the block much so that youthful ignorance runs the show and is so fun. I mean, so. fun. You’re safe, the economy and politics are there and whatever but they don’t affect you too much. You have a random job because it's acceptable not to have a career figured out yet and you are so free and untethered, it  is truly glorious. Your body is basically elastic, just don't eat for a meal and you're back to your “ideal weight”, take an Advil and your brain is back to at least 95% functionality. It is so true that youth and vitality are absolutely wasted on the young. Growing up sucks.

But it is also amazing right? A life being a mom and wife has been incredible, full stop. The challenge is the responsibility, the losses along the way and the fear and excitement of finally being fully in the driver’s seat. Who the fuck put me in the driver’s seat?! But I do have to say, I am often complimented about my driving skills. My grandpa said, “You’re a great driver”, which is big for him. He was an amazing latino man of many accolades and one time I said, “Okay, love you Big Dan” and he said, “Alright Dear, bye.” Very traditional, he also was openly disappointed the one time I came to have breakfast with him without Anthony, my now husband then boyfriend. He called him “Tony” and did not hide his discontent lol. I love my grandpa very much and miss him all the time. He passed just a few years before my mom, so that was my first taste of death. I had eluded it for so many years and then all of a sudden it came for me, for everyone. When Big Dan, my grandfather died I really felt that it was Death himself coming for me, saying, “I see you. You can’t hide forever”. Man did I not hide forever, next was my Uncle Bob and then as we all know, my mom. What a goddamn bummer. But, sometimes I like to think that Big Dan and my mom get to reconnect and shoot the shit wherever they are or are not. I don’t have a specific belief one way or another about the dead, which I think can make loss much harder in some ways than for those who have a deep strong faith. But I do celebrate Dia de los Muertos since my grandpa passed and it has been a very special way to honor him and my mom. Plus I am able to connect with the culture I don’t know much about. I am teaching myself more and more each year and am excited to share these traditions with our kids.

I think all of this loss has been compounded by the death of my life partner, my mom. Carmen, the love of my life but technically known as my previous and best therapist, had used this term, ‘life partner’ to describe my mom and it really resonated. She was my life partner, we literally grew up together and I spent my whole life with her. Mostly just she and I. She often told me that I very much saved her life and though that seems like a heavy responsibility, it was such a gift to love and be loved by my mom. Losing that messes anyone up. 

More than just dying it should be noted that my mom didn’t just ‘die’ she ultimately in less than romantic words killed herself. She was in so much pain from cancer that she chose Death with Dignity. This part is complex too because my mom frequently spoke about taking “the little blue pill” as she called it, if things ever got too bad. It makes me sick knowing that she knew deep in her soul that it would come back. My sister said our mom dying was her worst fear coming true, and I have to tell you, I never thought my mom would die. She had fought breast cancer 3 times prior I think, I honestly still can't remember but that’s because she always beat it. She was one of those fighters. She had a shitty hard life from the start, left home too young, 16 I think, and just spent decades surviving. Just fucking surving. How fucked is that? Someone who tried so hard to live, in the end had no choice. I hate that. I think that is how she got cancer, she was living so stressed in survival mode for literally 50 years of her life. My step dad once observed Angus or Marigold grabbing my leg when they were scared and he said, “Your mom never had that. Could you imagine never having a safe space to go to when you were scared?” And that really sums it up, she was always in fight or flight. I think I also like to believe this so that I don’t have to consciously worry about dying of cancer. My grandmother, her mom, had breast cancer though it wasn’t fatal and my paternal grandmother died of colon cancer. I mean it doesn’t stack up too stellar for me biologically but I deeply believe you can't live that way, wrapped up in the fear of the unknown. If I had done that I would have been so caught up worrying for my mom instead of loving her and being an obnoxious, spoiled brat daughter. I’m grateful for my ignorance and self preservation. 

I got to be with her when she died. She chose the date and most of us were there. I view that as an incredible gift. She was on Maui, in the house she finally was able to buy, it was all hers, her family was with her, it was a beautiful day and it seemingly wasn’t painful. It honestly seemed as peaceful as one to ask. Who was that runner guy, Caballo Blanco who just ran into the forest and died? I remember watching whatever film that was in a McMenamins in Bend and thinking how beautiful that was, if you have to die it's nice to think you have maybe a whisper of control about it. 

Anyway, all of this has been coupled with the birth of two children, the loss of two very long time friendships and a hair stylist, a falling out with my youngest sister and the nurturing and reconnecting of two old

friends, and the connecting with my older sister because her mom now too has breast cancer. It has been an incredibly wild 5 years and now that I am here in Portland, slowing down and getting settled, feeling safe and happy I can’t help but to think, “Am I the problem?” Are all these friendships fading away because I suck?

And all of these losses are losses, they are times of the past fading away, evaporating. Years of solid friendship gone in minutes, truly, which sucks. No one wants that and people often say that the disintegration of friendships are much more painful than say that of a partner. Because I think it is easy to say, “Oh that guy sucked. Fuck him. He doesn’t know what he had.” But with friends it is so much more vulnerable and personal. No one wants to say, “Hey, I really don’t like you anymore.” But the truth is that once your time fills up with your family unit you really just don’t have the capacity for other people’s bullshit. If we don't align, I truly, honestly do not have the emotional, spiritual or mental capacity to “work on this”. At the end of the day my kids need me and my husband and my perfect good boy, Falkor, and ultimately I need me. 

So what is this ramble? It’s just a ramble trying to share that it is okay to cleanse your friend closet, especially when they don’t fill you up. I mean didn’t Eminem say it best? “But tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet”. Look I don’t need much but I think ultimately I do need love and support and grace and the more and more and more that I have endlessly mulled this over, I think this is a common phase of adulthood, loss. And I guess one could also cup half full it and say ‘growth’. 

My mom always said that if there is a recurring universal message that it’s likely not the whole world conspiring against you, it’s probably you. “It’s me, hi I’m the problem it’s me.” It is true, if you keep running into the same issue over and over again it is definitely time to look inward, which is what I have done and why we are here. I have talked to a lot of people about this because I don’t want to just be an asshole cutting people out of my life but I have concluded that though this is a recurring theme, so is the presence of new and amazing friendships.

So what I guess I am really trying to get at is that I ultimately think this is another phase of life that I knew nothing about and that's okay. Loss and growth are normal and okay. Having kids has constantly reminded me, and I take deep solace in the mantra, “Everything is a phase” because the hard days where pee and poop are everywhere and the monsters are fighting and hurting each other they are also usually coupled with laughter, snuggles and joy, which is fitting since that’s my mom’s name, Joy. 

At the end of the day whatever you are doing to be honest, open, kind and loving, you are probably leading with a good heart. If the intentions are there then I think it’s okay to embrace the losses along the way and grow at your will. Ultimately we just have to go into life with “Clears Eyes, Full Hearts, Can’t Lose”. Thank you Friday Night Lights! Whatever you're navigating you’re definitely doing a good job and if you can remember to try to give yourself grace then you are aggressively ahead of the game and any little bit helps.