Spirited Away

I have this friend, a very good and close friend, who will often respond to a post about the loss of my mom by saying something along the lines of, “Oh my god, I miss my dog so much every day, I can’t imagine losing my mom, I don’t know what I would do without her.” I want to be clear she is not being insensitive, she is not offending me in any way, I actually love my dog so much that I understand exactly what she is trying to convey. She’s literally the best.

The thing about this statement is that the thought of your mom dying is pretty much unimaginable, “I don’t know what I’d do without my mom” but the thing is, when she does die, you don’t get to choose to do anything. You have absolutely zero control and all bets are off, your spirit is thrown to the wind and hopefully once it swirls about for a bit it, comes back to you, or at least all the pieces eventually return. My mom dying forced me to begin a process of rebirth that I do not recommend for anyone. The gripping and abundant feeling of being absolutely alone in the world for the first time since conception is suffocating but unfortunately won’t kill you, it’ll just make you stronger. Dumb. 

What I have noticed amongst the internet as of late is that grief is mostly lonely, and it is. This sudden feeling after the shock and frustration of not being able to talk with that person anymore or yell at them and be angry, or happy, or sad, is that all the sudden no one has your back, no one is behind you. I have seen a lot of women specifically use this term/analogy to describe this feeling. It’s like that person who magically was there to lift and hold you up in whatever time of need has just vanished. All of the sudden after years of support and encouragement, and fights and love, you wake up and they are gone. It is unimaginable because nothing and everything happens. Nothing changed except my mom was gone, the dog still needs walking, the car needs gas and an oil change, work still exists, the kids need food, the doctor’s appointment has to happen. The living world doesn’t care that your mom abandoned you for death, and it shouldn’t because the world has never cared about your feelings in the first place…your mom did.

I often reference a friend's mom who sent me flowers and a card right after my mom’s passing and she said something along the lines of, “Losing my mom was the worst day of my life. All you can do is take the love and care she gave you and show that to your kids.” I really held tight to this for the past 2 years. I think it was the catalyst that helped me function and keep going, it was why I have been so busy and made another baby, I just needed to pay it forward and maybe that would fill my dead mom void. Spoiler alert, it has not and all of the sudden, this morning, the idea of paying this love forward no longer resonated. Umm, and that sucks. That pretty much my only plan, like there is no plan B or C. Fuck. I will still do this and believe it but as of late throwing myself at the kids and their well being doesn’t soften the ache anymore.

I would have never said that I was running from my mom’s death or rather, the feelings of my mom’s death but as the pace slows and time passes, which it always inevitably does, it is becoming more and more prevalent that maybe I just might have been running. I hate that for me.

So, what is one left to do? You're alone and you’ve never been alone, even when you moved away and had a whole life, you have never been alone. I cannot describe this feeling enough. It is a huge void that can never be filled and I think I had the impression that maybe it could. That maybe Marigold and Angus and my husband and Sweet Falkor could fill this. That their love would at least half of what hers was, but it’s not. It never will be and that is what these women are trying to describe. No matter what love you give to your children and how old you get, not having your mom is the loneliest place and it cannot be fixed. And that statement just brought me to tears because this, her death, her absence, cannot be fixed that feeling of unyielding and eternal support never comes back. And there is nothing to do. And that my friends, is fucked. 

For some reason instagram put a woman on my feed who was describing how wonderful it was to go to her mother’s house and drop off her son. How special it was to have her take care of her son and her mom also made her dinner and took care of her. I mean she went on and on about this wealth of having an alive mom. You know how people get annoyed about rich influencers being confused why their following is lagging when America is a dumpster fire? That is how I felt about this lady, literally rage. I sent it to my sister with aggressive verbiage. lol It’s not this lady’s fault that she has a very alive and loving mother. That's awesome for her and her kids but it just made me feel robbed. My kids don’t get my mom and I don't get my mom as a grandma and that's just the way of the world and that just sucks. 

I was trying to end this a little upbeat lol but it’s just not there. If your mom or dad or someone close had died, I am so sorry for your loss and abyss that shrouds everything and everything happy. Luckily, it does seem to come in waves and I can take a little bit of solace in that.