3 Generations

I just watched Remi’s reel about her trip to NYC with her mom and her daughter. A very un-intrusive even basic video of the things she and her mom used to do when visiting NYC during fashion week. These things included going into designer stores and indulging in all that NYC has to offer in terms of activities and food.  As the reel comes to a close after a compilation of her 1 year old daughter playing at various playgrounds and dancing with her very elated and joyful grandmother, Remi casually says something in regards to “3 generations”.

Now, it could have been the 2 champagne heavy mimosas that I started the day with or the fact that for the second time in 2 weeks someone has tried to take all our money via cons, or the fact that we just moved a mere 4 months ago and everything is, surprisingly to me, still coming together, or the fact that there is a ton of stress that comes with a giant move with 2 small children a husband and a dog that apparently doesn’t just go away, which I find horrendously annoying. Whatever it was, this modest reel immediately brought me to tears and now here I am writing about it moments later. And mind you that when I say, “brought me to tears” Anthony literally walked into me sobbing. Like real life ugly crying. 

It is becoming more and more apparent that I have not processed as much, if any, of my mother’s death as I had imagined. I have a way of aggressively ‘doing’ as a means of self maintenance and care and it seems that life doesn’t allow for as much quiet and contemplation as I thought, so this "doing" isn't helping. This is a very common ‘Jasmine Phenomenon’, I am often taken way aback by very obvious emotions when they arise. Now don’t get the wrong idea, I am not unintentional nor do I actively run from my feelings, it has just gotten hard to make the time to navigate and process any feelings really and life in general. For example before we left Maui at one of my sessions with Carmen she said something along the lines of motherhood, pregnancy, postpartum etc. is as a whole very isolating and I was like, no. LOL because I don’t like to subscribe to anyone's theory if it hasn't proven to be true but I am finding more and more that this is actually very accurate. How awkward. I’ve talked to a few other mom friends about it who aggressively find this to be true. Motherhood id isolating full stop. I thought it was just Maui but apparently it's the mere act of making and rearing Human life. Also, fear not I reached out to a therapist today, it's pretty obvious I need to carve out time to process the last 5 years of my life. Idiot. 

With that said, my mom was my best friend, sure we were co-dependent but we were ours and I like to say that we were the “healthy” kind of codependent…Carmen laughed when I said this to her about Anthony and I. It is very clear that there is likely very little research to support “healthy” codependence but that’s a future Jasmine/New Therapist issue to tackle. I do not have capacity for that right now, obviously. 

Anyway, we did everything together and often we were able to make some fun spa trips. My mom really enjoyed luxury and thrived in a spa space and experience. After she passed, I went with my younger sister and then a few times by myself to theoretically enjoy the spa and all the luxury it had to offer. Let me tell you there is nothing sadder and more infuriating than going to a spa and seeing moms and daughters happily experiencing the spa together after your mom has died. Like talk about adding insult to injury or just billions of teeny tiny grains of salt that get into every crevice to an open, gapping wound. This is what I mean, this is a seemingly obvious feeling to arise, “Oh, I think I will go do the thing that was very special to me and my dead mom, alone. By myself. Without her. Did I mention ‘alone’ without my dead mom?” Look, just don’t do that. Save yourself and the poor, happy bystanders enjoying their spa experience with their daughters from the awful subconscious looks you'll give them. It's sad and mean and pathetic. But if your mom is dead, know that it's okay and I am sorry your mom is dead. Try to give yourself some grace while also trying to be nice to the people who didn’t have anything to do with your dead mom, it really isn’t their fault.

I am not nor have I ever been an envious person, I have really appreciated my life and have had a lot to be grateful for but after my mom died I became an envious person. Longing to do things with my mom again, to wear matching clothes and have ‘multigenerational’ moments of joy and laughter. I think the Christmas following my mom’s death one of my childhood friend’s sisters posted a picture of her and her mom in matching pajamas in Portugal for Christmas and that is when I first discovered that I began to dabble in the land of the envious. I was, surprisingly to me, so angry. So frustrated. So upset. So jealous. I was obviously sad but I didn't feel that right away. I just felt mad. In retrospect maybe I will realize that I am passing through the varying stages of grief. I still have yet to find a good book about it all. Maybe I’ll try harder to figure that out. 

Ultimately, this was also the feeling that resonated when I saw random moms and daughters enjoying the spa. The same spa that was once my mom and I’s. The same spa where we got a couple's massages together and where I watched this extremely classy woman all the sudden taking complete advantage of all the free amenities offered. The shampoo, and the lotion, and the razors and the q-tips and the snacks. She may have even taken an apple home for all I know. It makes me laugh thinking about it but this was the same spa where we shared random conversations and memories and nothing conversations while laying in robes and eating complimentary dried fruits and nuts while drinking complimentary tea and coffee. The spa, this spa was our spa and now it’s pretty much nothing to me. 

When I would go by myself I would be getting a minute taste of luxury and all I could do was envy these random women and their joy with their offspring. It just left me sad. I did have one trip that was more ‘fun’ but ultimately it was kind of a bummer. But that is one of the reasons I was so desperate to have a girl, and a girl born in February nonetheless, I wanted to hopefully create something similar to what my mom and I had, an unbreakable bond, a little codependent, the good kind lol, a little rocky but overall completely engulfed in an unspoken trust and love unmatched by anyone to come before or after. The best gift I’ve ever received was the unyielding love of my mom. I desperately hope to give that to Marigold. 

It seems that maybe I am in a new stage of grief. One would imagine that immediately crying and falling apart when seeing a casual recap of a random grandma, mom and daughter in NYC is a pretty obvious sign that there is some work to be done. I sure wish Carmen wasn’t licensed in Hawaii. Neither here nor there, I am in search of a new someone I can pay to share the burden of my mom’s death with. I am relieved that I felt a deep gaping hole when seeing this reel instead of my usual response of being flooded with envy and anger. Losing my mom has left me hollow and empty in a way I never could relate to before. It’s the feeling of a “deep hole” in your heart or chest. It is a literal hollow feeling of depth, a deep empty depth. A feeling that something is lacking and so far gone that you can't even pretend to understand what that would feel like to not have it gone. That eternal hole for me today was the longing to have a “multigenerational” experience with my mom and Marigold, but I’ll never have it. I will never have that. Helplessness. Death breeds a tremendous and uncontrollable helplessness that cannot be tamed or managed. You are completely and utterly at the mercy of the dead and it's awful. I do not recommend and I deeply miss my mom everyday. I also paid $4005.00 to the government today and though I am grateful to be able to do that, it is annoying.