Raw Dogging Parenthood but Why?

See, look how independent I was at 5, I was barbecuing already!

I just cannot get over how my childhood was not like my kid’s current childhoods. I am not mad about it I am just in “awe”. For example, I sat down to write this and I immediately was like, “Oh yeah, cover Marigold up so she isn’t cold during nap time”, which I did and it wasn’t an issue. I just have to wonder, “How are we alive, and what were our parents doing all the time, and are we ruining these kids by the amount of effort we are pouring into their every day comfort?” Also, am I Carry Bradshaw yet?

I know I am not the only one who is gnawing on this, I mean you look at the social media and you are inundated with all these moms, me included who are just exhausted. Just driven into the ground, touched out, over stimulated, vacuuming to ease our nervous systems. I mean I literally vacuum multiple times a day just to reset lol like what the actual fuck is that? We are unwell. It’s the updated millennial version of plucking our eyebrows for control, now we constantly vacuum. 

So, my mom is very dead, and I have to say that I am candid about her being dead and all because A. it is very obviously a coping mechanism and B. well, she definitely isn’t coming back so I guess it is still a very obvious coping mechanism. To anyone who has lost someone I don't mean to offend or be insensitive, it's just the truth and the way it is, she gone, and with her gone there are so many unknowns about my life. Since my dad was not in the picture much, my dead mother is the other person who has/had all the answers to my childhood that I now cannot unlock because when I was partying in my 20’s it didn't occur to me to ask her insights like, “How did you potty train me? Was I a biter? What foods did I like? How did you potty train me?! How did you teach me to walk? When did I learn to ride a bike? What were you doing all the time when you weren’t working because I was absolutely not supervised.” Just the casual daily questions that I have literally all the time mostly when I am overwhelmed and saying, “What the actual fuck” to myself while doing the dishes or cleaning up poop or something.  

All of that said, I had a “wonderful” childhood, or like it wasn’t aggressively traumatic, like the normal amount of traumatic so it is not the actual issue, the issue is, if we all had a mostly “okay” childhood, what actual trauma are we trying to keep our kids from with all this supervision, responsiveness and attention? I do remember being so frustrated when I would ask my step dad a question while he and my mom were talking and he'd just keep talking, such a dick, but honestly do you know how many goddamn questions kids ask a day? I get it. The amount of unyielding attention that is needed to sustain a tiny human, my god! Just stop. Just stop touching my entire body and literally everything, and the decorative holes in my jeans and like every single object that you walk by. Have you ever tried taking a toddler from the living room to the bathroom? Disaster! Marigold will touch my earrings or my nose or my hair or my eyes or just some passing object as I carry her but if I don’t carry her as she walks herself she unplugs something or opens something or pulls all of her clothes out of her closet, fuck me. So like I get it. I really get why you would ignore your kid but then I am slammed in the face with that feeling of 5 year old Jasmine who felt sad and annoyed that my parents wouldn’t fill me in with what was happening. Like it is very visceral for me, they would get mad or annoyed and I hated that feeling, obviously still do. Better talk to my new therapist about that lol Also, why do we all have therapists? There are so many feelings today, I admittedly blame Gen Z but also love and appreciate and value therapy, no joke there. I just think we need to know why we all needed therapy, I mean the Boomers had it much much worse than us, what are we complaining about?

Is that where all this gentle parenting comes from, and all this noise about, “they (the kids of today) need to be understood, we need to meet them where they are, we need to be sensitive to the fact that their nervous systems and brains literally can't comprehend.” And it's like, “do we?” Do I really need to have a quiet moment with my toddler who just bit me because their nervous system was overwhelmed with feelings and that’s why they acted out and we need to talk about it? Noope. I am not doing that. Period. There are lines in the sand and that is one of them. I do not care why you are upset, biting is not okay. We're raising a whole bunch of Gen Zers but worse lol. Not only will they not want to work and want to be “understood and ‘heard’” they are just going to bite people when they are mad. Lol 

Now, now, I am all worked up but I am serious. When we have a line in the sand moment I discipline and get on their level as they cry. I calmly talk with them and help calm them down. Once they are calm, because I do understand they cannot digest what's going on when all worked up, real science that I respect, then I have a conversation about why we don’t bite, hit, XYZ. Hug them, tell them they are a good kid and go from there. But the gentle parenting of the world, for every single behavior, I cannot. 

I think more and more about how my mom parented, and they say this happens with your parents as you get older and have kids, you relate more to them and gain some respect for what they did and how they did it. We think our childhoods were so bad that we are swinging the pendulum

back to the lifestyle of the 50’s where moms popped little yellow pills and drank all day except covid happened and most of us are either barely drinking or not drinking at all, we are just raw dogging parenthood and there is no way that is sustainable. So what happened? Our parents worked and worked and didn’t want nor had time to validate our feelings so now we think every single feeling has weight and needs attention?

Look, I was on my ride with Emma Lovewell today, we’re close, lol and the theme was pop punk and believe me you when I say that the playlist HIT! Taking Back Sunday, Blink 182, Averil Lavigne. Just hit after hit after hit! And here I am “singing” breathlessly as she kicks my ass, “vendicateddddd! I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I’m right, swear I've seen it all beforeeeee.” And it hit me, millennials were so emo about their “feelings” not being validated that we are just hyper validating every thought, feeling, tantrum that our kids are currently having. For fuck sake. They probably could use some space. I probably should get a job just so someone can ignore them for a bit each day. Seriously, what are we doing? We have got to save ourselves and them for that matter.

I guess if I am being really honest I just wish my mom was here to give her insight, which I would disregard as dumb anyway but it would be nice to hear what she thinks we are doing to these house cat kids. We don't let them solve any fights at the park or just like fight, not physically but like we are all involved with the park scene too much. “Anugs, wait your turn. Angus be respectful, Arthur’s going next. Angus, share. Angus it's not your turn yet.” I mean my god they need less guidance I am sure of it. I just don't want my kid to seem like a bully if I don’t supervise. I really appreciate the parents at the park that say, “It’s fine, it’s good for Harriet.” We make them be soo nice to everyone. We also feed them wayyy to well. They need more Bagelbites and some Hot Pockets in their lives for sure. Side note, I almost bought the kids some Bagelbites out of nostalgia and they were only like $2.49 and I thought, “nope, there is no way anything that cheap in this economy has any amount of nutritional value”. I used to really love Bagelbites. Ultimately, I think the world just got so scary and our childhood independence cannot be passed down and I hate that for these kids.

Anyway, I just don’t know why we are trying so hard when for me personally, my childhood was not that bad at all. I really would say it was pretty solid, mostly good. So what am I specifically trying to make “better” for these emotional monsters at the sacrifice of my mental health? Gen Z will not sacrifice their mental health for anything, not even work so they are just not having kids and I love that for them but they are missing out…I think, sort of? Sorry to hate on the Gen Zers I just don't get, which means I am officially old, so that is akward.