"Everything About a Baby is a Bit Awkward"

One of my sweetest friends just had her first baby. The very first one. The one that makes you a mom. The one that makes you hormonal, which maybe you have never been before which makes you exceptionally emotional. The one that grows in your body and changes everything about you. The first one. And I am so excited for her and often so worried for her lol. I just want to Harry Potter every piece of wisdom I have to her. I want to tell her that you can feed your baby in literally any position you can imagine. You can let him sleep through the night and not wake him up. You can give him formula. You should probably buy the Kirkland brand diapers. A swing will change your life. The BabyBjorn bouncer is worth every penny. The Ergobaby is literally life changing and will give you so much freedom. All of it. I just want her to know what I know from experiences that were so hard so that I can save her time, stress, money, worry, all of it.

I suppose that is why I am here. I am here to tell you as much as I possibly can about my experience with my two toddlers so you can 1. Maybe relate and feel seen and 2. Maybe save yourself some stress, struggle and oh my god some money.

My mom was around for my pregnancy, from conception to birth and for the first 8 months of my son, Angus’ life before she passed away from returning breast cancer. She said, “whelp, one in, one out I guess.” Losing my mother was devastating. Carmen, my therapist used the phrase “life partner” to describe our relationship and it was the truest description of our relationship that I had ever heard,my mom was absolutely my life partner and for a lot of her life I too was hers. She was a single mom and we never really settled into any other family unit other than each other, the two of us. Very much like the song, “Jusssttt the two of us. You and I”. It is absolutely one thing to lose your mom, it is a whole other level to lose your mom during the transition of becoming a mother yourself. For the record, I do not recommend. 

Honestly I felt very comfortable and confident being a parent. Though my mom and I were always a single unit, we were a part of a bigger unit, I had a stepdad for a lot of my childhood and adolescence (from 5 - 14) and two younger sisters (9 and 12 years apart, they say anything past 9 years you are basically an only child in many ways in terms of family dynamics and experiences. The sibling bond is much different). Also, to be clear I still have two sisters and their dad is very much alive lol but we don't have much of a relationship and rightly so, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, I grew up with two sisters and without evening knowing it or recognizing it until my then stepdad had mentioned it years later and apologized, I basically “raised them for a long time”. And I think that is why becoming a parent wasn’t a shock to me. A lot of people including my mom were mildly concerned and a bit surprised that I was so calm and comfortable with this giant new baby, he was 10.5 lbs when he was born. But I wasn't surprised, I have literally always wanted to just take care of someone, something, literally anything. I had been described as a “Traditional Mexican Mother” before I even had kids. And I am Mexican so maybe it's in my blood, either way I have always wanted to suffocate someone with love. I often think of it as the character Lenny in Mice and Men, spoiler alert, he cared so much for some girl when he hugged her he suffocated her, like the kind you don't come back from, not like love bombing or something. I think it was a girl, maybe it was the mouse? Regardless, I love HARD and I was so ready to love this tiny human with my whole heart. If you know anything about how I love my dog, you understand. Falkor is quite simply the love of my life and my husband knows and accepts that.

Alas, I digress. I knew when I wanted to have kids that I would be so ready to give all my time and energy to them, not in an unhealthy way, as they say, “you have to take care of yourself to give anything to anyone else” and I believe that but I often resented that my mom wanted a life of her own. It wasn’t because I don't think parents should have a life of their own, I deeply believe that, but because she had me 6 days before she turned 25, a baby herself. Her and my dad planned this, tried for me, once might I add, so fertile, and there I was. She often said that I saved her life, and the love I always felt from her I know that I did. All I want for my kids is for them to know the love we have for them as I did with my mom. I had complete and blind trust in her and a deep core knowledge that I was so loved by her. I wish that for everyone, it's a very powerful gift to give children the security of unyielding love. With that she gave up A LOT. Her life, her freedom to explore and grow and become whoever she was going to be. She didn't have family, or my father at a certain point. Since 16 she was on her own and it stayed that way for a long time until my first stepdad. He wasn't good for anyone including himself but she thought he would provide security. Spoiler alert, he kind of did, in the vaguest sense of the word but mostly not. Now that I have Angus and Marigold I understand, doing kids without support, it's like those memes, A haunted house but it's children without outside support. Anthony, my husband and I had so much support, literally while my mom was dying and I was pregnant  and I think that the way everything unfolded with the entire life and death combo only solidified me wanting to share EVERYTHING that I have learned. It has been a hard, arduous adventure and we're only 3 years in lol, so if I can help carry anyone’s pack for a few miles with what I know, it's the least I can do.

Please stay a while, read, share, and reach out. I am here to give you the gift of knowledge so that you can make the best decisions for you and yours. And, as always, god speed because everything about having a baby is a bit awkward.