Eff Me, Breastfeeding

The absolute hardest part. Part of what? The absolute hardest part of having a human, and that is after getting pregnant, which is its own whole thing, then creating a human in your body, IN YOUR BODY! The hormone changes, the physical changes, the vagina changes, and all that is after you literally push them out, of quite possibly the smallest part of your body. THEN, you have to figure out how to nurture them and keep them alive from the nectar of your breast lol. What is this? A serious joke. On top of that you have to do it with an aggressive stigma about formula and the giant social push of doing everything “natural”. I get pretty heated about all this so I am sorry in advance, but efff that!

How is it that the entire process where we made and birthed a human is only followed by an unprecedented lack of care and guidance from literally anyone? It is wild. 

I did not have postpartum depression, which I honestly think  is just luck of the draw and I am really grateful for that. To those who have gone through that you are simply amazing and resilient. I think one reason that I was able to allude postpartum depression is that I have always wanted to take care of someone or something, and I have two younger sisters that are 9 and 12 years younger than me, so I was already pretty well versed in babies even before we chose to pursue pregnancy. I bring this up when talking about breastfeeding because even when you aren’t specifically struggling mentally to take care of your fresh human, breastfeeding is sooo hard. 

My experience was honestly pretty straight forward, I have the “standard” prototype nipples to be “easy” for breastfeeding. Angus and Marigold both latched right away. I remember with Marigold being so exhausted when she finally came out, the nurse put her on me and I didn't immediately try to feed her or do literally anything and the nurse was like, “okay, try to feed her”. I was so tired, it was like, “Oh, yeah, okay. Do I have to?” Of which I later told Carmen, my therapist, “That I understand how women could struggle with postpartum. Once I ate I felt so much better.” Of which, she laughed and said, “Of course you did Jasmine, you mistook hunger for postpartum depression, that's how well regulated you are.” 

I am not here to brag, I couldn't even if I wanted to, breastfeeding kicked my ass, it just did it in its own way. My struggle came from too much milk, a classic over producer, which I think can be offensive since so many women struggle with supply. There is little worse than needing your body to do what it is supposed to and it's not and you have no control over it. I think that is one of the hardest mental parts of it all, conception, pregnancy, birth, postpartum, you really are just along for the ride. I found it all incredibly stressful, and magical and annoying that there wasn't, nor is there, more concrete insight and direction on how to make your body do what you want it to. 

But I think that’s the whole thing, the more you know, the easier it can be. That seems like such a basic and almost stupid statement but the thing about it all is that you literally have to experience it to understand. I still could not clearly explain contractions to you. I could try but I still can't completely describe the feeling for even myself. I still don't really understand contractions, assholes.

All that is neither here nor there. Ultimately, despite so many woman having children allll the time, it is still a very elusive and personal experience and that goes for breastfeeding as well. So here are a few quick takeaways from my breast feeding experience that I am desperate to share with you and literally any single person who will listen. LET ME HELP YOU!

My basic rough draft takeaways of breastfeeding:

1. Touch your boobs. ALL THE TIME! For me my breasts suddenly seemed so foreign and sensitive and kind of scary. Like, maybe if I just don’t disturb them they will just do what they’re supposed to. Spoiler alert: they won't. You absolutely, vehemently need to be touching, feeling, massaging, did I say, “touching?” your breasts! ALL THE TIME! Why? Because you need to know what's happening in there. I am not a medical any body. I do not have trained medical knowledge or information. This is from experience and for me, I best understood my breasts as muscles (even though they technically are not). The ducts acted as muscles. For example, when you work out a lot you stretch before and after, or at least people tell you to do that lol. You do this to help your muscle tears heal and essentially help your muscles grow. Though your ducts don’t “grow” they do seem to fill up as a muscle would get tight. When there is too much milk in the individual ducts (there are a whole bunch throughout the breast and even near or in? You armpits!) it can get stuck or in my analogy tight like a knot in a muscle. How does one get a knot in a muscle out? R.I.C.E. Rest. Ice. Compress. Elevate. and Massage! Now, not exactly what you do with a blocked duct but same idea, get it flowing again, milk in terms of the duct, blood in terms of a muscle. And that my friend is why you feel your boobs ALL THE TIME. Don't let the milk get stuck in the duct for too long because that, my friends, leads to mastitis. My achilles tendon of breastfeeding. 

So, to recap. We touch our boobs to catch or try and prevent the clogged duct. I often found that if I touched my breast and they were tender or sore that that was my sign to start massaging. Smooth strokes like one would with a muscle knot. I would massage wherever it was tender for days. This felt awful, as it does feel awful and often painful when you touch a knot that has been massaged out. It gets tender and sore. Keep massaging. Often these tender spots were on the outer rim/circumference of my breast, bottom and near the arm pit. Frida (the baby brand, which is 100 by the way, I 100% trust all their products) also has a hand massager that I used often that was heated to help move the stuck fluid/milk through. I would also use frozen teethers, the little circle shaped ones, and swap them out in my bra throughout the day when I was trying to help a potentially clogged duct. The more you feel your breast and understand how your production works you'll be able to learn what body signals to look for to anticipate an issue. The hardest part is learning on your own body what to look for because as the internet says about everything in terms of conceptions, pregnancy, birth, postpartum etc., "that for sure is either normal or not".

2. Use the Haakaa. There really isn’t much to this and some women find it useless, usually if there isn't a lot of milk, but if you end up having a good amount of milk, the Haakaa is everything. With Marigold I did not pump at all (which is a big deal) and had a freezer full of milk that I ended up donating and throwing away. Yes, taboo. I threw it away. The pressure to “save every drop” caused me so much goddamn anxiety. It’s my body and milk. I am doing my best without trying to conserve my production for a stranger. Now! Don't get me wrong if you have the time and money to put into storing and storage bags and finding a donation location or meeting up with strangers to give them milk, then by all means, but for the love of god do what is the path of least resistance for your own sanity. You just birthed a human for god's sake. The haakas saved my life. Get two just incase.  

If you have a lot of milk or are getting mastitis frequently, the haakaa is likely your best friend. You see, you're making milk on the ole supply and demand train so when the kid feeds, your body takes note of that and tries to make enough milk to keep up with the kid's needs. Pretty basic stuff. It gets convoluted when you start pumping to empty your breast as a means to either relieve your discomfort or to make more milk. But it is science, right? You're messing with the homeostasis of it all when you pump and that's how the clogged ducts or the mastitis can come and that my friends, is why only you can figure out your body, which is what I found soo frustrating! Help me. I just birthed a human and now I am in a crash course on milk production? Why didn't that lactation seminar prepare me? Because you cannot be prepared and I am so sorry about that. The haakaa is most helpful when the kid isn't hungry or is sleeping, you can empty your breast without triggering more milk. I would have to set an alarm for every 2 to 3 hours at night with Marigold because she would sleep for 5-6 hours and I had to get the milk out. I would almost always get 3-4oz per breast. That’s insane. So much milk and there are women who get much more. I would do both breasts at the same time so that I could get back to bed quicker. If I slept through the night I would wake up leaking and honestly horrified that I was going to get mastitis. I would then adamantly massage, ice, massage, ice, dangle feed (life saving move with the sitits). I would do everything possible to prevent it. DO NOT LEAVE MILK IN YOUR BOOBS. EVER!

SPOILER ALERT: You cannot be prepared for breastfeeding. No one tells you and I am really sorry. You will figure it out, but the learning curve is real. Which is probably why statistically so many women stop breastfeeding pretty early on. And look, good on you if you choose to stop. Literally your baby will be fine. And boomers love supporting you to quit lol. My mom encouraged me every time i got mastitis to quick. Statistically they say your chances of breast cancer goes down if you breast feed your kids, I think it may be if you do it for a year. Look, my mom breastfed all three of us and unfortunately passed away from breast cancer. I have a real problem with all the hoopla around the unofficial expectations of it all, especially breastfeeding. Maybe we do decrease our breast cancer chances but always do what is right for you not what you are theoretically "supposed to do". If breastfeeding isn't right for you, THAT IS PERFECTLY OKAY AND ACCEPTABLE. You're not a bad mom, in fact you're an amazing mom for doing what's right for you and your family. I think we forget that these are our bodies that we are talking about. OUR BODIES. Only you know what is right for you.

3. Catch the milk you can, don't cry over spilt milk. The Elvie Catch for the win! I was so stressed when my boobs got full would just start spraying all over the place, like in the shower, or especially when I got out of the shower. I would panic, “Oh my god! The milk, save the milk!”. You're going to lose so much milk, the shock wears off. Don’t worry about it. There is always more milk, one way or another, especially if you're spraying everywhere. Also, this was something no one mentioned and I did not read about. I was shocked that my boobs would literally just start spraying everywhere. Like literally wtf? I feel like we should mention how ridiculous this whole deal is. I had two Elvie catches that I kept in my pocket literally at all times. Like I always wore shorts with pockets so I could always keep one in my front pocket for when I nursed Marigold. The pads can cause yeast if you leave them too long and no one likes a wet nipple shirt as you walk around your daily life. These are absolutely a staple and can be worn throughout the day if you wanted. I rarely saved the milk they caught because it was usually an ounce or less and since you're not supposed to mix milk, like add to a bag in the fridge with fresh milk, I would just toss it. They also come apart for good cleaning.

4. 
   

   Bras and shirts. Uhhhh. The nursing bras are so dumb. You don't need a nursing shirt. It’s fun but in reality it is back to the basics. Just pop a tit when you need to. For me this was easiest in a basic fabric bralette and cotton tank or a button down. The thing you don't know beforehand is that you will be urgently trying to feed the kid. You don't want to be messing around with zippers and clips and latches. Also, if you have a lot of milk, tight bras are the enemy. I literally had two fabric bralettes from Target, that I am still searching for to purchase again, that I wore for basically two straight years of my life. Once I stopped breast feeding and wore a real underwire bra again, my mind was blown. I felt sexy again. Normal-ish. Keep it simple. You need comfort and ease. Tight bras can clog ducts. Beware. I wore a Lululemon sports bra shirt thing right after Angus was born and got the stitis. I never wore it again until I was done breastfeeding. None of this is to scare. It is knowledge so you don’t have to learn the hard way AND, you may not have this experience at all but if you do, the info is here. 

5. Mastitis. Fuck Me. Honestly this topic is its own entire blog post and I really don't have the capacity to start this yet. The trauma for me is real. I will, as they say, circle back to this. Get purple cabbage, ice packs, a haaka, and fever reducer. I fucking hate mastitis. 

   
   

6. Foods that promote milk:

   - gatorade/electrolytes

   - oats!

   - yeast/beer

   - acai

   - coconut/oat milk

   - hemp

   - chia seeds

   - spinach/kale

   
   

I am currently in the very beginning stages of becoming a lactation consultant and will likely laugh at this post once I learn all the things, but for now, this is my first hand experience and I hope any of this information is helpful to you at some point. And once you know more, please dear god pay it forward. I deeply believe that moms don't need to be disillusioned, we need facts and insight to be prepared. Pretending that birth and everything that follows is flowers and cupcakes is insane. Look, I have had two kids and the process has left me wanting one more despite knowing all that I know. Knowing that birth sucks isn't going to detour those who really want kids from moving forward. 

Here's to more kids, but doing it with insight and knowledge and preparedness.